when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
