she told me i tasted like america
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
