i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
