I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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