Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
