He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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