i just had sex bonerless
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize