Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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