I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
