and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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