i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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