I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
