was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
