Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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