Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
