the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
