upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Green mimosas i think yes
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
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