I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
