I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Randomize
