you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
