the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
