i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
