My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
