all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
