sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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