If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
