I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
