ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
