I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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