I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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