I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
