Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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