I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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