a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Dignity is for republicans.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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