i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
