oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
