Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
