i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
