Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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