Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
