Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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