She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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