She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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