i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
