I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
