Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
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