my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
