remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
