i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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