do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
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