I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
