well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
