my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
