I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
