Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
