I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
