you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
