apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
