I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
