I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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