dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
