If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Randomize