the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
