isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Alive.
So much puke
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
